4 Happiness

1. Go to Juilliard School
2. Be a great musician
3. Travel around the world
.....

He took a deep breath then exhaled. Such a long time needed to finally write down those words.

His lips curved a smile, looking bright to the point where everyone would feel like his happiness was shining. He is capable of restraining sadness and disappointment but happiness is something obvious.

Because he was never been this honest.

11:11

Some people make a wish every time they look at the clock and unintentionally notice 11:11. They said that what they wish for will come true right when the clock shows those same numbers.

She knows it's just a myth, something people got from mouth to mouth. No one’s been able to trace the origins of this though, they just probably do it for fun. Or simply believe it.

But it happened to her a lot, too often to be a coincidence, thus made a little faith growing inside her. She started to consider this as a message from the universe.

It doesn't make sense, she might be expecting things, but there is always a reason for everything. She takes this as a sign to keep her wishes and see what will happen. So she surreptitiously gives it a shot every time she notices 11:11 on the clock.

She wishes for love to come her way.
She wishes that he would love her back.

But he didn't.

Different

This story was inspired by August Pullman, the incredible kid from R. J. Palacio's remarkable novel, Wonder.

*****

People usually glance at me.

And it inevitably leads to various reactions—probably not too various, since it's never been good anyway.

I can see if they're scared.
Disgusted.
Startled.
Speechless.
Flustered.
They can't help but getting freak out and that's pretty obvious to see.
Even at some point I could get unlucky—wait, unluckier—that they'd add it with a scream. Or mean questions. No, actually not that mean, I know it just sort of comes out of their mouth naturally. Like it's the first thing you'd say when you see something horrible.

I am horrible.

I have been living through that for years, long enough to finally get used to it.

It's easy to notice my presence everytime I don't cover my face properly. People tend to pay attention to something beyond normal, you know, something unusual. Different. And this scarce deformity thing is an absolute controversy. They don't explicitly show it, but I know they try so hard not to take a second look at me, because the second time you look at me it'd be difficult for you to control your face expression. They try not to get any closer to me, like I'm sort of a plague. Like it's spreading. The gap they create is barely seen but it's real. I know. I always know.

I have been suffering hard enough to finally accept the fact that society is a big deal.

But I never cried it out. I never took my feelings quite seriously. It'd sting and then disappear in no time. Life is tough, so in order to survive I need to be tougher.

Until one day, I stare at myself for the longest time I know since I started to avoid mirrors and that's when I shattered.

For once, it hurts. It really does.

The Condolence

Hello, I'm coming up with a new project—regarding my goal to be productive during holidays. I'm planning on doing a 1 Day 1 Story (hopefully). It's sort of flash fiction challenge. Pardon my writing flaws, hope you guys enjoy it!

*****

"I am deeply sorry about your loss."

"Thank you for keeping him company when he was still here," the middle-aged lady replied, smiling mirthlessly despite the unfathomable grief that the parents must've felt when their only kid died in such an miserable condition.

He responded with a bitter smile nevertheless. "Your son was and will always be a great friend of mine. However..." he took a deep breath before continued, "I still can't comprehend what was going on. How could all this happened to him..."

"Neither all of us," the man with scar on his face interrupted with a rasping voice. "I know it must be hard for you too, since you're the one he was closest with."

Silence. Each of them seemed to drown in their inexplicable sorrow, until the sound of a phone call cracked it off.

"Excuse me." He went to the bathroom to answer his phone. "Hello?"

"Hello? Dear? That guy in the news, he is your friend, isn't he? I'm so sorry to hear about him. It's just terribly shocking. I mean, he was brutally murdered. Moreover the suspect is still out there..."

He didn't answer. Instead, he leaned himself to the wall and got something out of his pocket.

"Honey? Are you okay?"

It was a blood-stained photo of the middle-aged lady and the man with scar on his face.

"I'm fine."

Places & Memories

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.”
- Haruki Murakami

I want to tell you a story. No, I need to tell you a story to get rid of these cacophonous voices inside my head. About one thing that's able to drift you away just by taking a glimpse at. Memories.

We all have memories. 

Everybody does. Many kind of memories. The ones that are undeniably occur in our mind which create particular emotions everytime we think about them. The ones we deeply want to keep but they need to be treated the other way around. The ones that can never be forgotten, just because. And the ones that forever be alive inside us.

So I have this one friend whose house located near my old kindergarten. Sometimes when I have a spare time after school and a chance I'll come to her house to meet up—as in gossiping and eating and merely tidur-tiduran—since we're not in the same school anymore. To be arrived there, I need to walk on foot bypassing my old neighborhood. This usually goes just like that with me not paying too much attention around, till two days ago, I stopped right there in front of the street where my old house located in, as my mind started to throw itself back to those past years—I threw myself back to those memorable days.

Because my childhood belongs there.

I could notice major changes but when I looked closely, nothing has really changed at all. Almost everything stayed the same, they were just being modified a bit. I kept saying to myself inwardly. Tukang batagor langganan gue masih jualan di tempat yang sama, cuma gerobaknya doang yang baru. Penampakan jalan rumah gue juga masih sama, cuma sekarang a bit colorful. Warung tempat gue suka jajan masih ada, warung Tiongkok tempat bapak gue suka beli galon Aqua juga masih ada, pasti tambah makmur sekarang. Bahasa Indonesianya udah lebih lancar dari 10 tahun yang lalu. Wah, tempat dulu gue les sempoa juga masih ada walaupun sekarang udah jadi rumah bermain. Yang ngajar di situ dulu... Kak Jun kalo nggak salah, ke mana ya sekarang? Mungkin udah punya anak dan anaknya udah gede. 

A year ago, momen yang sama pas gue lagi jalan, tiba-tiba ada seseorang yang manggil nama gue dari kejauhan. Gue agak surprised pas lihat ternyata itu tetangga gue, yang rumahnya persis depan rumah gue dulu, waving her hands to me. Padahal jarak gue sama dia jauh banget saat itu, so I was dazed yet glad that she could recognize me after all this time when I've changed a lot. We then had a small talk, mengobati kerinduan yang udah lama bersarang. I'd like to have another quality time like this again, but I can't come here often, not to see my old house which is all new now. All renovated, yet I could still figure the-10-years-ago version of me and my family there, little me and my brother, and it suffocates me by the time I can't resist those kind of emotions. My heart was heavy in all of a sudden. There are just reasons, wounds, tracks I don't want to seek because they are just as painful as the fact that some things won't happen for twice. This is what nostalgic feeling feels like; it strangles you like hell yet you wish for those moments to happen again. Things aren't always the way they look like. To me, everything exactly the way they used to be, just exactly the way the last time I saw them, the last time I said good bye to them. 

And then there goes my old kindergarten. Yes, changes are inevitable, but still, some things stay original. I decided to take a closer look at it with my friend, who is also its alumnus. It evoked everything that we couldn't stop doing flashback. This place has such a big contribution in my growth. This is a place where I started to acquaint and explore myself in the crucial phase of my life, where I began to try learning, starting to open my eyes, comprehending things. I experienced a lot of new things. I still remember all those wonderful moments I created there with my old old friends. I still remember the thoughts I used to have back then when I was a kid. I still remember how curiosity tickled me when particular things happened. I still remember everything so clear that it clutched all of me even more.

Realizing that I missed these places a little bit too much utterly hurts.

It hurts when you haven't felt this feeling for so long because you usually choose not to recall them. All those memories were rushing back into my mind right all at once. I had hard time interpreting the mixed feelings and inexplicable emotions shoving inside my heart. Albeit I’ve been leaving them for quite a long time, for years, I felt like these places have became a part of me; I left a bit of me there, so I could still imagine everything, I could still feel everything exactly the way they were left off. There is always something about these places I won’t let go. A lot of things which won’t be happened anywhere but there. There where it all started; my early years, my journey, my life. I grew here. I was surrounded by positivity. This place has witnessed a lot, and that’s what makes it hard to come seeing them again when I know I won't be there anymore. When I know everything won't come back to the way it was because I grow up, things change, life happens. 

But however, despite the pain it creates, I will always carry these memories with me. And like this they will never be faded.

(Not 10) Things I Hate About Indonesian TV Shows

This is my first post in 2016 and for that, I'm sorry. I've been doing my less-public writing project: journaling. And most of them are kind of life-related and containing so much feelings. It's quite personal so I decided not to post any here, which is why this blog has been neglected for the umpteenth time.

By the way I'm not going to babble around telling you my new year resolution that's often ended up laying as another bullshits and stuff. People say write what disturbs you, so I do. I'm going to write on purpose, about one thing that never stops to bother my mind everytime I turn on the TV.

Everytime I see Indonesian TV shows.

I guess this topic has been discussed by a lot of people who got their minds bothered like me; I just feel like writing this nevertheless.

I barely watch Indonesian TV shows since I found out that they are terribly boring. Gosip yang menguak aib, reality show yang nggak ada reality-nya sama sekali, game show yang beberapa menghibur tapi akhir-akhir ini just another crap karena isinya cuma pelawak garing (I doubt they're capable of being comedians), and the best among them all; sinetron. They're just being modified a bit. Kalo gosipnya nggak menguak aib, bikin orang bodoh tenar, ya ngeliput artis spotlight sakit flu. Sinetron... ya kalo nggak plotnya abstrak, konflik nggak berkembang, melenceng dari ide cerita awal, beribu-ribu episode tapi nggak bermutu, ya jiplak.

Well I'm so sorry for being brutally honest and maybe (a bit) rude here but that's just how it is. We know what I aforementioned there is true.

Selama ini kita mengonsumsi tontonan yang itu-itu saja. Nggak ada perubahan yang berarti. At least it's okay though to negotiate with no significant improvement, but it's another story when those typical shows are getting worse. It's another story when the influence caused is far more than what we expect.

We can't deny that tontonan yang ada di TV Indonesia saat ini jauh dari kata mendidik. Sangat jauh. Meanwhile, apa yang kita tonton juga membentuk pribadi dan mindset kita secara bertahap. What we often watch also determines the way we think without we even realize. Terlebih lagi di era di mana media menjadi salah satu penentu yang paling berpengaruh dalam kehidupan kita. Everything is possible involving the media. Moreover when we let it takes the control.

Deddy Corbuzier once tweeted this, "Membuat acara TV yg mendidik masyarakat VS menghibur masyarakat adalah 2 hal yang berbeda. Inspiratif VS atraktif." which is so accurate according to what happens with our TV shows problem. I couldn't agree more. Menghibur ya menghibur, mendidik is one whole different thing. Sayangnya, yang mendominasi TV Indonesia selalu acara yang menghibur tapi tidak mendidik. That's the point. Cuma ada segelintir acara yang worth to be watched.

The case that disturbs me the most is how acara musik, sinetron, & FTV alay memegang setir kendali dari penonton setia—mayoritas remaja labil—as long as they're entertained. Acara musik pun hanya sekedar label buat acara lip-sing dan pertunjukan ayo-ngelawak-aja-yang-penting-penonton-ketawa semata. Gue punya sepupu, adik-kakak cewek, and both of them are some of the victims of these uneducated shows. Tiap pagi tontonan mereka Da*piiip* atau In*piiip*, siangnya FTV yang judul absurdnya bikin ngelus dada: Tukang Sunat Jatuh Cinta, Cinderella Tukang Sepatu, Tukang Mie Ayam Seganteng Brad Pitt (like... what the actual f**k?) atau FTV religi ikan terbang yang (lagi-lagi) judulnya satu paragraf atau nggak merupakan kesimpulan FTV tersebut: Aku Hanya ATM untuk Anakku, Aku Takut Punya Suami Tampan, 3 Kali Ditalak Suami dalam Semalam, Istriku Durhaka Terhadap Ibuku yang Malang Karena Istriku Tidak Ber... oh whatever. Dan malamnya, you know, the unsuccessful copy of Twilight Saga, yes, sinetron yang judulnya serigala tapi yang disorot vampir. #OnlyinIndonesia

Dan yang bikin gue miris itu ketika melihat mereka fangirling over it. It's so saddening to see a 8-year-old girl screaming "ALIANDOOO!" in front of the TV, or singing a terrible song with cinta-cintaan lyric I don't even want to recall. Gimana seharusnya anak-anak seumuran segitu butuh asupan tontonan yang di samping menghibur juga mendidik.

Apalagi acara gosip sekarang udah bukan main melebih-lebihkannya. Semua dikuak dan dikupas tuntas, sampai the most unimportant matter of celebrities juga digosipin. Nggak ada lagi garis pembeda antara aib sama berita yang layak ditayangin. Zaman sekarang jadi artis nggak susah, nggak punya talenta pun bisa, asal modal good-looking dan kemampuan cari sensasinya tinggi. Bahkan orang bodoh yang fenomenal juga dibahas dan dibikin tambah tenar. Malah banyak yang sekarang nongol di acara TV, at least dijadiin bahan bullying, and then bisa jadi kaya. Yang penting fenomenal, prinsipnya. Yang penting bisa narik mata penonton, bermanfaat atau nggaknya belakangan.

I mean, what's the point of music shows when the presence of the music itself is less than the moments of the host trying to be funny and doing something more like a game show instead? What's the point of daily melancholic FTVs with the same plots and cliché endings? What's the point of reality shows when it's being set up and not being set up well? What's the point of croaking someone's problem and exaggerating it so there will always be scandal to tell? What's the point of making someone stupid famous and rich when there are lots, lots of people out there who got talents and deserved to be a real public figure? What's the point of offering something meaningless? What's the point of entertaining yet unintelligent?

Masyarakat kita memang lebih suka sama sesuatu yang menghibur, because we tend to be simply happy without thinking further about what's the benefit and risk of this and that. We have problems at differentiating which is good and which isn't. That's why it's sort of hard for us to move forward; we're the ones who don't realize we need to change.

This one crucial problem of our country needs to be repaired. We need more good shows.

Dengan begitu, sebenernya perlu adanya dobrakan dan pembenaran akan apa yang ditayangkan di TV. Perlu kritikan yang membangun dan respon positif dari pihak yang terkait sehingga bisa mengoreksi apa yang salah dan lebih mematangkan pemikiran mengenai manfaat dan efeknya jika ingin menayangkan sesuatu.

Kalo kita nggak bisa mengubah apa yang dioffer kepada kita, setidaknya kita lah yang harus bisa lebih selektif dalam memilih tontonan yang layak dikonsumsi.

Because if it isn't us who take the step, I don't know who will.