“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.”
- Haruki Murakami
I want to tell you a story. No, I need to tell you a story to get rid of these cacophonous voices inside my head. About one thing that's able to drift you away just by taking a glimpse at. Memories.
We all have memories.
Everybody does. Many kind of memories. The ones
that are undeniably occur in our mind which create particular emotions
everytime we think about them. The ones we deeply want to keep but they need to
be treated the other way around. The ones
that can never be forgotten, just because. And the ones that forever be alive
inside us.
So I have this one friend whose house located near my old kindergarten. Sometimes when I have a spare time after school and a chance I'll come to her house to meet up—as in gossiping and eating and merely tidur-tiduran—since we're not in the same school anymore. To be arrived there, I need to walk on foot bypassing my old neighborhood. This usually goes just like that with me not paying too much attention around, till two days ago, I stopped right there in front of the street where my old house located in, as my mind started to throw itself back to those past years—I threw myself back to those memorable days.
Because my
childhood belongs there.
I could notice major changes but when I looked closely, nothing has
really changed at all. Almost everything stayed the same, they were just being
modified a bit. I kept saying to myself inwardly. Tukang batagor langganan gue masih jualan di tempat yang sama, cuma gerobaknya doang yang baru. Penampakan jalan rumah gue juga masih sama, cuma sekarang a bit colorful. Warung tempat gue suka jajan masih ada, warung Tiongkok tempat bapak gue suka beli galon Aqua juga masih ada, pasti tambah makmur sekarang. Bahasa Indonesianya udah lebih lancar dari 10 tahun yang lalu. Wah, tempat dulu gue les sempoa juga masih ada walaupun sekarang udah jadi
rumah bermain. Yang ngajar di situ dulu... Kak Jun kalo nggak salah, ke mana ya sekarang? Mungkin udah punya anak dan anaknya udah gede.
A year ago, momen yang sama pas gue lagi jalan, tiba-tiba ada seseorang yang manggil nama gue dari kejauhan. Gue agak surprised pas lihat ternyata itu tetangga gue, yang rumahnya persis depan rumah gue dulu, waving her hands to me. Padahal jarak gue sama dia jauh banget saat itu, so I was dazed yet glad that she could recognize me after all this time when I've changed a lot. We then had a small talk, mengobati kerinduan yang udah lama bersarang. I'd like to have another quality time like this again, but I can't come here often, not to see my old house which is all new now. All renovated, yet I could still figure the-10-years-ago version of me and my family there, little me and my brother, and it suffocates me by the time I can't resist those kind of emotions. My heart was heavy in all of a sudden. There are just reasons, wounds, tracks I don't want to seek because they are just as painful as the fact that some things won't happen for twice. This is what nostalgic
feeling feels like; it strangles you like hell yet you wish for those moments to happen again. Things aren't always the way they look like. To me, everything exactly the way they used to be, just exactly the way
the last time I saw them, the last time I said good bye to them.
And then there goes my old kindergarten. Yes, changes are inevitable, but still, some things stay original. I decided to take a closer look at it with my friend, who is also its alumnus. It evoked everything that we couldn't stop doing flashback. This place has such a big contribution in my growth. This is a place where I started to acquaint and explore myself in the crucial phase of my life, where I began to try learning, starting to open my eyes, comprehending things. I experienced a lot of new things. I still remember all those wonderful moments I created there with my old old friends. I still remember the thoughts I used to have back then when I was a kid. I still remember how curiosity tickled me when particular things happened. I still remember everything so clear that it clutched all of me even more.
Realizing that I missed these places a little bit too much utterly hurts.
It hurts when you haven't felt this feeling for so long because you usually choose not to recall them. All those memories were rushing back
into my mind right all at once. I had hard time interpreting the mixed feelings
and inexplicable emotions shoving inside my heart. Albeit I’ve been leaving them
for quite a long time, for years, I felt like these places have became a part of
me; I left a bit of me there, so I could still imagine everything, I
could still feel everything exactly the way they were left off. There is always
something about these places I won’t let go. A lot of things which won’t be
happened anywhere but there. There where it all started; my early years, my journey, my
life. I grew here. I was surrounded by positivity. This place has witnessed a lot, and that’s what makes it hard to come seeing them again when I know I won't be there anymore. When I know everything won't come back to the way it was because I grow up, things change, life happens.
But however, despite the pain it creates, I will always carry these memories with me. And like this they will never be faded.
