A Lil Part of Grief

It's been 5 years already.

There are many things I've been through in these 5 years, literally every single thing... that I wish I could tell you in person. But knowing that you'll never reply all of my letters, or even read any of them makes me tortured.

Even though thinking about what happened that day is no longer the first thing that appears in my head when I wake up, nor the last thing I think about before I fall asleep, even though it's been 5 years, I still miss you. One of the hardest things that has come with it is the realization of how much time has passed without you. I still have days and weeks that haven't been easy on me although it might seem so, days and weeks when it’s just as painful as it was 5 years ago, days and weeks when it gets really tough to be dealing with. And I still have moments that spin my head, break my heart, when all I can do is crying over something that can't be returned, because I really have no clue about how things could gone so wrong.

Oh, okay, I hate falling into sorrow... it really doesn't suit me well. I'm sorry, this isn't supposed to be an open-for-public letter, but I'm really clueless about people whom I can talk to, so I think writing on my blog is a precise way to 'relieve' this.

In the end I just want to say that, you're missed more than ever.

Tulisan di 5 November Malam

5 November Malam,

Sekarang gue lagi nggak ada niat untuk menyampaikan sesuatu yang, sekiranya berguna sih. Actually, there are a lot of interesting stories and unprecedented experiences I got recently but right now,

I just want to write my (another unimportant) thoughts.

My thoughts are excessively big to fit inside my tiny walls of mind, so they need to be spilled out as soon as possible.

Jadiii gue lagi capek banget sama kehidupan SMA. Bukan literally capek sih, gue merasa lebih ke... apa ya...

Bosan?

Tbh, tugas-tugasnya kalo dipikir-pikir nggak terlalu jauh beda sama SMP. Kalo dikerjain sesuai porsi waktunya masing-masing sih... bahkan walaupun nggak bisa manage waktu dengan baik, asal bisa nyempetin diri untuk 'megang' semuanya, it isn't a big problem tho. Yah, malah gue lebih concern ke waktu istirahat gue daripada tugas-tugas, hahah. Gue sebisa mungkin nyicil tugas-tugas di sekolah supaya di rumah tinggal istirahat... nggak istirahat juga sih gue malah sering menghabiskan waktu-waktu berharga tersebut dengan main HP... cek medsos, main game... GET RICH OK ID LINE GUE ATIKAHLARASATI, TQ). Tbh gue masih males-malesan, masih kayak waktu di SMP. Gue merasa belum ada perubahan yang signifikan dari cara gue belajar, manage waktu, dan menangani kemalasan. Emang, HP tuh iblisnya iblis. Guenya o2n lagi, masih aja tergoda.

Di sekolah juga, nggak sekeras the way I expected before. Masih ada waktu di mana gue bisa menghembuskan napas panjang (jam kosong) (aka GABUT). Serius, kalo udah terbiasa dan dijalanin dengan ikhlas, ini semua nggak bikin capek, ya nggak sih? Lain kasus sama kesibukan di organisasi atau les atau lain-lainnya ya.

Mungkin gue 'capek' gara-gara, setiap hari, I mean, setiap hari... gue melakukan hal-hal yang nggak ada bedanya. Setiap hari gue sekolah. Belajar, makan, tidur, belajar, makan, tidur. Singkatnya gitu deh, repeat it again and again. Monoton. Nggak ada yang beda dari hari ke hari. Perhaps that's why I often feel like time flies too quickly--not in the way it supposed to. Karena I keep on doing the same things everyday.

Pernah nggak sih terlintas di benak lo, bahwa ini semua tuh kayak nggak ada ujungnya? Kayak lo lagi ada di titik kejenuhan di mana lo ngerasa... penat. Kapan sih ini semua berakhir? Kapan sih gue ngeliat rambu-rambu Stop? Lo jenuh, lo capek belajar mulu, nggak ada sesuatu yang baru di hari-hari yang lo jalani, tapi mau nggak mau, lo harus terus bergerak, ke mana waktu membawa lo. Walaupun dengan cara melakukan hal yang sama setiap harinya.

Gue butuh hal baru yang mampu membuat gue tidak lagi menjalani hari-hari yang monoton. Gue butuh hal baru yang mampu membuat gue nggak merasa pengen vakum dari kehidupan ini. Gue butuh hal baru yang mampu membuat hidup ini, menjadi semakin hidup. Gue butuh perubahan. Gue butuh gejolak.

Gue bosan. Bosan.