Another Change

As 2014 is winding down to a close, I want to say something.

So I wrote this at the edge of 2013, which approximately a year ago. I wonder, is there any specific word besides fly, which exactly describes how fast time flies… I mean, time goes too fast that it apparently wants to compete with the speed of light. Oke sebenernya nggak literally secepet itu emang gue lebay banget sih but I just feel like it does (sekali lagi gue ngomong betapa herannya gue akan cepatnya waktu berlalu, gue dapet piring cantik).

Gue sebenernya bisa aja sih tinggal ganti judul dari... what is the proper word… hm, kata-kata-penutup-akhir-tahun tahun lalu dan tahun lalu dan tahun lalu yang pernah gue bikin, baik yang diketik maupun yang ditoreh di atas kertas, toh kayaknya inti dari semua itu adalah I wish for the better year to come and wonderful days ahead and how stupid I was and how I regret it and how the days that Dora has been through were much more fun than mine and what I plan for the next year and blahs. Inti dari semua yang gue omongin sama aja. Yah, seperti tahun-tahun sebelumnya, gue merasa gagal di tahun ini. I was a fool last year. I was a fool last year. Ujung-ujungnya resolusi tahun baru nggak tercapai. Padahal saat menulis itu kayaknya gue menunjukkan semangat 45 dan gue siap mengerahkan potensi gue buat mewujudkannya, WHY DIDN’T THEY COME TRUE?

But I didn’t, just because.

It’s about the feel, guys. It may seem like I keep on writing the same things but, I feel so different when I was writing that letter at 2013 with I am right now. I have no idea about what is the purpose of writing this down; I just feel like it is a need.

I think it’s unnecessary to basa-basi mengingat kita udah ada di ‘era’ baru (well, not really, but feel like one). Gue jadi lebih kritis sekarang, sebelum gue bikin resolusi apa aja yang pengen gue capai di tahun baru (di mana semua-muanya baru dan it seems like you can start from the zero), gue mau merenungkan alas an kenapa gue nggak bisa mencapai apa yang sudah gue junjung di tahun-tahun yang udah gue lewati. Karena gue nggak mau membuang-buang porsi waktu yang udah Allah berikan ke gue dengan cuma-cuma dan sia-sia, seperti yang gue lakukan di tahun-tahun yang lalu.

Instead of starting from the zero, I’d like to fix what I’ve built, those which have been being abandoned.

Gue nggak mau 2015 gue sia-sia dan akhirnya di penghujung tahun itu gue malah sibuk menorehkan penyesalan gue dan kembali menuliskan janji ‘palsu’ untuk tahun berikutnya. Udah sering banget gue di akhir tahun mikir, kenapa gue nggak mempertahankan semangat awal tahun gue untuk berusaha menjadi lebih baik di waktu-waktu berikutnya? Hell yeah gue nggak ngerti sama diri gue sendiri. One of the most difficult phases in life is when you don’t understand yourself. The time when you feel like a paradox; you feel like you’re miserably messed up. Each time I embark on a process of personal development, it only goes the way I expected for a couple of days. There are things I’d love to do, but I procrastinate on them. I want this and that to happen, but I do almost nothing big—because big goals require big efforts. Trust me, ketika perjanjian yang lo buat, tekad yang lo tekankan, dan rencana-rencana yang lo bangun dengan diri lo sendiri di masa lalu sound like bullshit di kemudian hari (karena nggak terealisasi sebagaimana lo menjanjikan diri lo saat itu), jijiknya tuh lebih-lebih daripada lo baca chat yang berisi gombalan-gombalan mantan lo di masa lalu. Tapi jijiknya bagus sih, ada 'bibit' efek positifnya, which is: introspeksi diri. It makes you keep asking yourself why, and wondering for the reasonable answer. Kenapa gue bilang bibit, karena itu nggak akan 'tumbuh' dan ngefek ke diri lo tanpa disertai dengan usaha perbaikan.

Why wait for the new year if you can be the better version of yourself today? Why procrastinate if you can start sooner? 

Probably because we deem the new year's eve as an official closure, where on the first day of the new year we can start anything over again. Facing a new year means we gotta see more opportunities to accomplish, more chances to try, and more dreams to achieve in front of us, and we all love this concept of a "fresh start".

It may sound cliche anyway;

I hope things will get better in the upcoming year—and we can be better than ourselves right now.