# saudade

Having someone to rely on, more than anyone else, is nice.

Someone we can talk about everything to, who is worth the benefit of the doubt, whom you can pour all your love into yet you don't feel empty; you feel fulfilled.

I don't want to jeopardize the comfort of being alone and the luxury of being unbothered with relationship problems; but the feeling of longing for someone can impregnate sometimes. You can't have your cake and eat it; there will be something you'd have to sacrifice in order to have the other. I know I'd despise myself for writing this, but I did anyway. This felt so personal to me yet I know the most personal can be the most universal; because we are a mixed bag full of feelings.

And now, I don't know if I miss you or I just miss experiencing the profound feeling of having someone. Probably both.

I still got so much to say, all the words piled up in the corner of my mind, all the questions left unanswered. But if I were given a chance to talk to you, I don't know I would. I don't really think it's really necessary. So I just simply wrote it down.

We go on with our lives, time and distance grow and separate. Since the day we realized things weren't the same, since the moment I have to let you go, not having to talk to you like I used to scared me. We were 2 AM talks, now we don't even know how to start. No big deal, just life happened. I didn't even recall a closure. It's a farewell without goodbye being said. And we lose each other along the way.

Little did you know, but this is what it's like to miss you even though I have moved on. Moving on does not mean forgetting; it means being fine with your absence. I miss the version of you when you were with me, since I don't even know how much you have changed now.

I may not think about you as much as I used to, I don't struggle to try not doing it. But last night I just dreamed about you—after a very long time the thought of you didn't cross my mind—and it strikes me hard in the morning. I woke up with my chest so heavy I realize I miss hearing your stories and telling mine. It's like the accumulation of feelings that occurs in any little moment that reminds me of you. When I watch a really good movie I thought you'd like. When I hear songs on shuffle and the song that reminds me of you comes to play. When I walk past certain places. I know it's just a nature of reminiscing. It happens even if we find someone new and that's okay. Even when those things aren't relevant anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever miss me too. I wonder if it hurt you like it hurt me. I wonder how you recover. I wonder if you found someone new already. I wonder if you ever wonder like this.

I guess we have our own ways to deal with things, and despite it all, I hope you're doing well. I hope what we went through made each of us a better person. I hope you're happy.

(this kind of) difference

we were two lonely souls
who found each other dancing
underneath the same sky
with the pale moon watching 

i still remember
stardust in your eyes
with a smile so warm
wrapped in the softest love
i have ever received 

we threw wishes into the stars
with a hope they would catch
and deliver things
our silence were speaking about,
things we knew
   we could never
      understand 

i still remember
the laugh we shared
as if there is nothing
that could set us apart 

we could have been,
   if only love was
      enough to have
          saved us 

we could have been,
   if only we
       talked to the
           same God

# communication, consequences, and self-worth

George Bernard Shaw once said that the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

You can communicate like usual with each other, but you don't actually communicate. That's why lots of relationship don't work out due to lack of communication. On this side one feels like suffering, while on the other side one feels like everything is fine. One feels like not getting anything, while the other feels like giving too much already.

Both can sense something does not fall into the right place but still manage to do fine, until one gets tired of pretending and the shells don't seem to work out anymore.

Therefore to communicate is the main key. It always takes two to tango. You can't expect people to know what you think or what you feel, so you need to communicate. If you want them to act according to how you want them to, communicate. Talk and listen. 

It's not easy; it's going to be hard, but you can take your time. You feel like you can never be ready but actually, you can. It's worth taking the risk than going through days, letting it pile up inside you.

When it comes to particular things, silence is never golden.

If you miss someone, tell them. If there's something wrong, point it out. If it doesn't feel right, express it. If it makes you suffer, don't just sit down and let it gnaw you. If you don't want to talk to someone, don't ignore them; it's better to leave with an explanation. If you have different opinions and points of view, try to make a conversation, meet in the middle. And then listen, listen to each other. Ernest Hemingway said that when people talk, listen completely; most people never listen.

I know it's easier said than done, there are lots of things that make it hard to do so; you can be afraid of their response. You can be afraid of them not feeling the same way. Of not being heard, of rejection, or any unexpected feedback. You wonder if it's going to cost so much. You think it can ruin everything that seems to be fine when it is not. You're not ready to accept changes that will come out of it, that everything you're already used to won't be the same. So you just simply think it would be better to keep it to yourself. But unfortunately, things don't work out by themselves. You have to be the one who makes decisions. Actually connecting instead of wondering.

There are going to be consequences for what you do because you can't get everything at the same time. Everything in life needs sacrifice. In order to be happy, you need to get rid of the pain source.

But what if your source of pain is your source of happiness too?

It feels right yet it feels wrong. S/he makes you feel pain but without him/her, you'd feel worse.

Try re-define your happiness. Does s/he actually give you happiness or make you think that this, was well enough of how happiness is supposed to be?

Here is the hard-to-swallow pill: what truly makes you happy won't make you suffer. We often forget this since we can't control what we feel, but sometimes emotional attachment can be so comforting that it becomes deceiving. Notice the difference.

If you've forgotten your own value by constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, that's when it gets unhealthy. Decide to fix it or cut it off. Learn to be better or leave. And if you've talked it out to clear things up, then the rest is not yours to handle. You can't change people unless they want to change themselves.

If you decide to stay and let it be, that's okay, but you have to accept it and don't complain. If you want to talk it out, that's great, I hope you find a way to deal with the consequences.

Just because you're afraid of bleeding, it doesn't mean you have to live with the thorn thrusting you. You think if you get rid of it, you will bleed, and it will hurt more than the pain the thorn has caused you. But you're so used to the pain you think healing is an option.

You're going to get into far worse condition if you don't pull the thorn out. Remember that the inflammation process exists in order for the wound to heal.

You may end up with the scars, but at least the pain is gone.