I think we all have experience losing, a lot. At some crucial point in our lives. At times when we are not ready; even though we will never be completely ready. At times when me may see what's coming, we may learn to be well-prepared for what's going to happen so it would be easier to face but guess what, we are never ready for how we feel.
The fact that someone can be a huge importance to you—how their significance mean the world you can't bear the thoughts of them not existing in your life—and how they can be gone in a second is terrifying. Family, friends, relatives, even once a total stranger who encounters your life and whose life you encounter and in days, months, or years, their presence can become your strength. People come and go; it's a tangible part of living though—the essence is always how we learn to let go and finally deal with it.
I grew up so used to losing that I know exactly how it tastes; how the feeling grasps my soul, the aches. At first I will cry buckets, but it's another thing when it starts to turn black. The shattering. I experienced it, not only once, to know that it felt so much worse than crying and feeling blue. Dealing with the feeling of being left, of not having the chance to see them in person anymore seem impossible to do the minute after you experienced it. Imagining days, years without their presence sounds odd. Back then when the hardest loss I've ever had to deal with occured, the thought of it was beating the daylights out of me; I was so broken it's a miracle somehow that I managed to make it through without slitting my wrist.
While my mind was murdering me harder day to day, people might see me moving on, smiling, doing things naturally but deep down inside I was not fine at all. I was suffocated. It seemed like the grief has led to a more complex matter; it has led to depression. The continued disbelief and denial, the prolonged feelings, I couldn't let go of them in such a long time. I thought I was going hell out of my mind because I slightly started to think of any terrible options to end my pain. But I didn't. And I'm glad I didn't. It could've gotten worse if I was not giving myself time to settle. It's because I got people around me. Life seemed to get better. Everything is temporary, even the pain you thought would last forever.
I've lost a lot of people who became part of my growth. I won't be mentioning all of them but for the last 3 years, in January 2015, I lost my grandmother to breast cancer, and later in September I lost my uncle due to the similar illness: gland cancer. I lost my aunt in 2017. And now in 2018, I just lost two of my high school friends.
Nining and Yogi. I would like to present this for both of you. You mean so much to a lot of people, a lot, you have no idea how hard it is for us to bear the thought of not having to see your face in person again. Setiap acara angkatan nanti ga akan pernah full team karena personil kita udah berkurang 2 orang. Masih ga nyangka dan akan tetap sulit buat percaya kalo kalian udah ga ada. Secepat itu ya? Ga bisa denger suara atau liat kalian ketawa lagi bareng-bareng kita. Even though kita ga constantly close, but the pain is real for all of us. Yogi, we didn't talk that much, but I remembered when you offered me a help pas dekor dan pernah ngomongin soal arsitektur. You were a kind person, everyone knows that. Nining, who just left us yesterday... we shared a secret or two, and in my head you will be remembered as cheerful as ever, trying to be positive despite everything. Gua pernah cerita-cerita sama lu dan lu itu pendengar dan pemberi advice yang baik. I should've told you that you'd become such a great psychologist. When people talk to you, you see them in the eyes, you listen carefully. You know how to make people feel appreciated. And you really love to read, I might add. Lu pernah beberapa kali rekomendasiin buku ke gua terutama series Percy Jackson dan pasti setiap lu rekomendasiin lu selalu kasih tau about how you love them that much. And never run out of topics about oppas, right? Thank you for the drama recommendation too, by the way. Sekarang kalian udah tenang di sana, ga perlu ngerasain sakit lagi. And that's relieving. Semoga kalian bisa liat di sini kita berusaha inget untuk selalu nyebut kalian dalam doa. Dua orang hebat di Nirwakhasa. You were kind beings and precious souls and do know that you are always loved.
Sending our prayers from here.
Until then, see you when I see you.
:)
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